An orc with large braids from the Warcraft movie rolling his eyes.

Warcraft, I Assume

On July 5th, 2016 in I Assume

The main character is an attempt at a hipper, younger, and cooler Aragorn.

He is a warrior instead of a hunter because they won’t figure out how to balance that class until the fourth movie.

A messenger will run into the throne room and collapse delivering the news of orc attacks.

There is at least one party of humans mingling with the orcs around a campfire set to a top 40 song.

There will be absolutely no people of color, except for the fantasy races who will be in charge of handling all your racial tension filled plot needs.

Legally distinct Aragorn will have to put together a ragtag party of adventurers to save the day.

The mage pulls aggro and dies immediately in their first encounter.

Halfway through the movie the rogue will rage quit.

Jaina Proudmoore will make a cameo on the king’s council. She will be the only woman on it, and her single line will be, “Let’s think this through,” to which a man will immediately reply, “Now is a time for ACTION.”

Upon hearing this, a troll in the back of the theater will shout “I’d give her some action”.

The first three quarters of the movie is the adventurers just helping villagers and killing kobolds.

The last quarter is them redoing the same fight scene over and over again until all of them have matching purple gear.

The interim is 30 mins of them taking 2 griffins, a boat, and a horse trying to get to the zone they need to be in.

Aragorn redux falls in love with an orc priestess after 2 lines of conversation.

The entire wardrobe of the the women in the movie will consist of a belly shirt and and a pair of short shorts. Shared between them all.

When the orcs want to talk peace with the humans a grizzled general will response, “This is not a time for statecraft, but warcraft”. The entire theater will erupt simultaneously into groans and applause and immediately die.

The movie will end with an Avengers-like post-scene where the adventurers are just standing around the bank of Stormwind crafting and making murloc puns in trade chat.