Adam Driver as Kylo Ren.

The Force Awakens, I Assume

On April 11th, 2016 in I Assume

I have still not seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens, but this is what I assume it is about.

Luke Rey lives on a desert planet orphaned from his her family where he farms moisture she works in a spare parts shop.

Kylo Jenner is just trying to leverage his family’s name into a successful business, but the media refuses to recognize his entrepreneurial convictions, instead writing stories that are little more than character attacks.

Harrison Ford says “I know,” after every one of Carrie Fisher’s lines in an attempt to recreate a funny moment that has already passed.

Luke Rey has to go to a swampy barren and mountainous planet to learn about the force from Yoda Luke.

They rebuild the Death Star, again, and not a single person raises an objection about how that is a terrible idea.

Carrie Fisher and R2D2 both get roles that are barely more than glorified extras as they are replaced with younger sexier models.

Kylo Jenner’s lips look great and everyone wants to know why.

Leia Fin is Luke’s Rey’s sibling cousin, except they don’t know it, and they accidentally make out. Several times.

Kylo Jenner goes viral and breaks the HoloNet, a vulnerability which Rey exploits to take down the Death Star.