President Garret Walker (House of Cards) in front of an American flag.

President Garrett Walker is 100% Gay

On September 6th, 2016 in LGBT

I have been catching up on House of Cards and I am 100% convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that President Garrett Walker is gay.  Not a single thing you say will convince me otherwise.

In fact, if Garrett Walker and his sexuality were the United States Constitution, every constitutional scholar would be out of a job because there is absolutely no ambiguity. Just look inside your heart and you will know it to be true.


Let’s just get this out of the way: we never see his wife. I am loathe to engage in Buchanan-esque speculation BUT THERE IT IS.

He is like a slightly worn down Anderson cooper.

Uh what does that have to do with anything? Boyish good looks do not make someone-

SILENCE. JUST GAZE INTO THOSE SLIGHTLY LOST LOOKING EYES TO SEE THE TRUTH.

In between meetings he absolutely throws everyone out of the Oval Office so he can have secret rendezvous with his male secret service agents.

He is SECRET BEST FRIENDS with Raymond Tusk. That is a RESOUNDING KLAXON for gay space camp buddies. If you cannot find the truth inside yourself it is presented to you on a platter when Raymond is absolutely STRICKEN and HEARTBROKEN that his boyfriend Garrett HANGS UP ON HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.

Look at the way his eyes narrow while he gently cups his knee and leans in towards Frank during meetings. It is not unnatural, per say. But, it is practiced because that is what he has learned masculinity is and how he needs to present himself to be taken seriously in a position of power

The thing before about sneaking off with the agents? They are servicing him in secret is what I’m saying. I just want to make sure you got that.

I have realized he does, in fact, have a First Lady. She is a beard. Or, more likely, a sister-in-law fulfilling the duties of the post because he never married. How could he, with the show being pre- SCOTUS’ ruling on same-sex marriage and all?

His skin is so smooth and powdered. Not quite alabaster but well manicured and de-moistened. But, also, it doesn’t look dry?

What?

I dunno, he just takes really good care of his skin I guess is what I’m saying?

It is a TV show and-

WHAT PRESIDENT HAS TIME FOR THAT KIND OF SKIN CARE ROUTINE, FICTIONAL OR NOT?

One with a professional makeup team and when giving speeches wants to avoid glare from the-

NO.

He definitely only asks the male generals to “debrief” him while making very intense eye contact.

He is getting played and screwed over by a straight man who thinks their ambitions are more important.

Look at that careful and gentle backward swoop of hair flowing like a gentle summer breeze and tell me you do not see a hundred translucent ghost-hands imprinted there from the memories of all the men who have run their fingers through it and looked down at him lovingly in bed

Have you ever seen such pouty lips? HAVE YOU?