Modern Family

Modern Family, I Assume

On February 10th, 2016 in I Assume

(I don’t watch Modern Family, but this is what I assume it’s about.)

It is about a family, and they are modern. The neighbors do not understand their modern way of life. Some neighbors are jealous that they cannot unshackle themselves from the past and live as freely and wholly in modernity as this family.

The Modern Family does not celebrate holidays, for they are steeped in tradition and reek of the old. They are only interested in embracing the present and marching towards the future. Every day is a celebration for them.

They have very nice minimalist kitchens, with sleek metal appliances.

Sophia Vergara is married to a powerful businessman. Their relationship is more of a business partnership, because she is a woman who understands we live in a global economy, and thus makes invaluable contributions at their board meetings.

Phil is never threatened by his son’s youth and forced to confront his own mortality. As a modern man, he is secure with his place in the universe. He is crying because he is proud of his son, and modern men are allowed to express emotions, is all.

There is a wacky family vacation episode where they go to New York City to visit the MoMA, because as a modern family they appreciate modern art.

Cam and Mitch are a loving gay couple. They have their successes and failures, their strengths and faults and they are judged on these merits like anyone else; They live freely from the burden of representing an entire social group since they come from such a modern who view them as complex individuals.

The son embraces the modern school of thought of non-ideals. Shirking gender norms he paints his nails in team colors before his varsity games, and can occasionally be seen hanging out in skirts. He tried using purses, but they were not for him.

Phil is totally fine with this. No he didn’t mean fine like tolerating, he meant fine like supportive. Fine, he will just say that, then. He is supportive of this. Happy?

That daughter with the glasses is probably the smart one, because the show is modern, but the writers are necessarily the sum of their past experiences and the cumulative effects of our culture and history. She will study Big Data in college.

They have FIOS.

The not-Sophia-Vergara-wife works from home running her internet start up. She makes more money than Phil, but he is definitely not threatened by it and is super happy as the primary caregiver of the children. Phil loves the modern family and doesn’t miss the old family dynamic at all, not even a little.