A team of firefighters attempt to extinguish the flames of the crystal palace.

Friday Roundup

On August 5th, 2016 in Quibbles

Hey y’all, it’s finally time to put out your dumpster fires and store them away for the weekend.

Pop quiz: What’s the worst thing you can inhale?

Literally anything that isn’t the air.

(Actually, if we’re being honest, even oxygen’s not that good for you. )

Which is not great, considering the hyperventilating I do every time I see an election poll. But, at least I can chill out since polls are all garbage.

As we get closer and closer to November (which is still 3 months away hahhhahahhahaha) it’s only going to get harder to maintain that chill, so here’s some a few reasons to live through this election from Laura Olin.

Polls aren’t the only thing lying to us. Turns out dentists have been too and flossing is useless. At preventing plaque anyway, it’s still pretty good at removing rotting food from your mouth so maybe still do it before your next hot make-out-sesh.

The good news:

Cool Pope Francis is still super cool, adding the phrase “annihilation of man” to his street cred, as well as my list of potential pop punk band names, with his denunciation of transgendered people.

International watchdog, Privacy International released a new database to help us spy who’s spying on us.

We can’t keep guns off the street but we can keep them off our phones, since Apple replaced the pistol emoji with a squirtgun.

Microsoft, in an exemplary display of solidarity and the thought it puts behind it’s UI, replaced its toy guy with a pistol.

In the world of apps, Instagram is Snapchat now. Snapchat is Facebook. Facebook is a stack of floppy disk back ups of iPods. You are a dog stuck in an inner tube. And I am a barely cracked china plate in the back of a 1970 Volvo.

The best news of all though: we continue to shatter records for environmental disasters as the earth warms. So, none of this, or the fact that Zika’s in the US,  matters because it’s all going to be gone sooner than we thought!

Happy weekend. I’m going to go practice not crying despite being constantly confronted not only by my own mortality, but the inevitable end of my species.