A hot-air ballon-esque space ship over the surface of the moon.

Excerpts From An Alien’s Field Notes Studying Earth

On May 4th, 2016 in Quibbles

‘Though they have advanced through several stages of civilization, and indeed are beginning to turn their interest beyond their planet and into space, the “human” species is still subject to the trappings of their primitive roots.

Most notable among these is their desire for strong central leadership and tendency towards idolism. Currently of note in their culture are one “Beyonce”, revered for her displays of dominance through her mastery at and capacity for yelling, and a Mr. President, who is, conversely, adored for his strong slow speech cadence and ability to never yell. Despite Mr. President’s prominence I cannot seem to pinpoint who he is, as the many reports associated with him lack a consistent face.


A cursory view of the planetary surface reveals a penchant for cutting squares into forests. Sometimes for food production, but often for dwellings, or even just communal sitting areas. Is it simply a matter of squares efficient shape or does it hold more cultural significance? Why can’t they sit in the forest as it is?


They have a wide cultural fascination with using remains of flora to make dirty plant water. Such is their fascination with “tea leaves” in particular that they have modeled their entire energy infrastructure after it, using giant tea kettles to boil water to harness the latent chemical energy of deposits which surround them.

A good deal of this energy is used to fight off an apparent fear of the dark. For example, though they only inhabit labor-towers during daylight hours most of them have lights shining on them throughout the night.


They swim in their own filth at vary degrees of magnitudes. Many favor filling body-sized containers with warm water and sitting in it with their accumulated dirt and dead skin for hours at a time. Those which don’t partake in this ritual still contribute to the broader cultural practice by discarding their by-products in the nearest communal hole or body of water.


Upon revisiting the geological makeup of the planet I noticed something I had missed on the first pass. They have a lot of uranium. Well, no, that is not entirely accurate. It is percentage-wise within expected parameters (which is why I missed the point initially), but they have gathered it up into large stockpiles.

Much of it seems to be used for their community tea kettles, but there are much denser collections in seemingly isolated areas for which I see no immediate explanation.


Revisiting the fascinating labor-tower structures I have noticed, in addition to only being occupied during daylight hours, they are empty every 6th and 7th planetary revolution. These are taken as ‘play days’ where the tower laborers will partake in the communal sitting in forest- squares and consume food served to them by the lower castes who do not get to enjoy these play days.


I have acquired the music of Beyoncé. Though the broader cultural implications are lost on me, I understand her greater appeal now. I did not know human voices could even produce those sounds.

I am planning a ground excursive to one of her calls to formation. I am going through her complete body of work to study in preparation for the trip.


Oh my God: they’re BOMBS.