A simple wooden chair above the caption "An Old Chair".

Excerpts From Articles In Which The Word “Corporation” Has Been Replaced With “Chair”

On October 12th, 2016 in Humor

There is a fairly prevalent practice in our society of treating corporations as people. “People” with associated rights encoded and upheld by our legal systems, which seems like a very silly way to treat an idea about how to organize your ledger.

It is also a fairly common in everyday discourse. There is constant reporting and conversations about corporations and their “decisions”, their “pivots”, their “purchases” and other such verbs it would, again, be very interesting to see an Excel spreadsheet actually do.

It’s so common to do it can be hard to catch yourself doing, but don’t worry, here’s a trick to help you out: replace the corporation’s name  with “the chair”. If you sound like Clint Eastwood circa 2012 it may be time to consider some edits.

The chair did not respond to requests for comments.

There is no assurance that the chair will acquire the properties under contract or letter of intent because the proposed acquisitions are subject to the completion of satisfactory due diligence, closing conditions, and in the case of letters of intent, contracts.

In response, the chair’s in-house lawyer, Bernard Reilly, informed him that the chair and the E.P.A. would commission a study of the property, conducted by three veterinarians chosen by the chair and three chosen by the E.P.A.

The chair has struggled to grow its user base, even as it adds features like live streams of political debates and sports games.

Democratic U.S. presidential candidate Hillary Clinton on Monday vowed to hold the chair accountable for “egregious chair behavior” in a scandal over employees’ opening millions of accounts without customers’ knowledge.

Wall Street thinks that the chair will grow earnings over the next five years at roughly the same level the chair achieved over the past five years. This projected growth rate of around 14.5% seems quite attainable.  

The chair reacted quickly, requesting a gag order to block Bilott from providing the information he had discovered in the Tennant case to the government.

The chair hasn’t been able to keep up with the growth of the massive fan bases of other furniture, like lamps.

If you find yourself doing this I would suggest some more accurate phrases like: “a buncha dudes in a room”, or “some people communicating over a barely lucid thread of emails,” or, “several perfectly self-aware humans capable of being held accountable for their actions and actively conspiring to commit fraud”, or, I don’t know, you’re a writer, I’m sure you’ll come up with something good.