A portrait of US President George Washington.

A Dystopian Declaration of Independence

On April 25th, 2016 in Humor

IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, but some men are created more equal, and they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the wisdom of its Leaders, –That whenever the governed become destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Government to alter or to abolish them, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despair, it is their right, it is their duty, to trust in such Government, which shall provide new Guards for their future security.–Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which leads them to alter their former Systems of Government. v  The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these People which by Right belong to these States. In response to this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

You shall Assent to General Washington’s Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

His Governors shall pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, and local papers suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained.

He shall dissolved Representative Houses immediately, for opposing with manly firmness his restructuring of the rights of the people.

He shall refuse cause for others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the General for their exercise; necessarily consolidated, for the State remains in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He refuses His Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

He shall remind the People that Judges are dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He shall erected a multitude of New Offices, and send hither swarms of Officers to oversee our people and manage their substance.

He shall keep among us, at all times, Standing Armies.

He shall affect to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.

Such accommodations shall be arranged among these States:

For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For transporting Peoples beyond Seas to be tried for offences

For, establishing an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

King George has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us. There is only General George now.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled and Dissolved before General George, and appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be within His control as dependent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Dependent States, General George shall have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which a True and Just Ruler may of Right do in the name of His citizens. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.